And way to ruin my summer........

So,

When I first considered writing in a blog again I figured why not, I am supposed to be expressing my thoughts and trying to get the stuff that swirls and swirls in my brain out somewhere why not here?

You may think that the title of this post somehow corresponds to breaking my ankle, and while in someways you are correct. The ankle break has severly limited the things I am able to do however I am starting to walk sans crutches and it's going ok :)

Nope the title of this post extends to my former employers who decided on a whim (not really a whim I am sure but still I am pissed) that my position is redundant and that they would have to let me go. Yes I did get severence so I am ok for now but seriously!!

Anyway the whole point of this post today is that I am trying to decide if I will be petty to request all of the hanging file folders I PAID FOR, and other stationary that I PAID FOR back.

R suggested I talk to the labour board and EI on Tuesday to see if it was worth it or if it would be petty to request it, I am not sure how I feel exactly about not requesting the stationary, I mean on the one hand I can see not burning the bridge (why I would want to go back to where I am redundant seems....weird) but at the same time it is the principle of the thing, if you're going to pack up my shit then pack up everything...right.

Either way I just needed to get this out of my system since I was pissed and thinking about it.

I'm sure that there will be plenty more entries in here since my redundancy has caused a lot of down time.....

Nickle

Random thoughts and frustrations

Hey All,

So the next post was supposed to be more of an uplifting recap on some of the positive things in my life but unfortunately recent events (by recent I mean within the last 10 min) have caused my mood to plummet so I have this blog to vent/talk about my feelings and that is what I am going to do.

Quick back history, prior to my relationship with R I was in a 2 year long relationship with an AssHat who basically picked up a book on how to abuse your girlfriend and followed it to a T. 

After breaking up with him I should have taken the time to deal with everything I went through, I should have gone right into counseling and potentially jumped onto some sort of medication, hell I should have at least talked about what was happening with someone but I didn't. I met R, we became friends, then fell in love, and I don't regret any of it.

Are there times where I think things between R and I could have been easier if I have followed through on all of those shoulds? Yep! Would I be more secure emotionally and physically which would probably cause less issues in my life? Yep! But I cannot go back in time to change what I did or didn't do, it's not possible yet as I haven't met my Doctor :)

About 3 months ago I had a major breakdown, it was bad, I scared a lot of people which I am sorry happened as it was not what I intended to do. The result of this is that I went to my Dr. and have been prescribed medication to assist myself with balancing my brain, and I started to go to counseling  to talk about what happened and to begin the process of fixing myself.

One of the major areas that I have issues with is money, prior to my relationship with AssHat I was relatively good with managing my money, I wasn't great but there was money in the bank so to speak. That was how things started with him, he took away my money first to make it so I needed to ask to pay for bills or buy myself something to eat or wear etc. Since then I have become shit at making sure my bills are paid, and I am constantly in my Overdraft unable to afford pretty much anything. It actually got to the point I was charged with Shoplifting when I was with AssHat as he wouldn't pay for the toothpaste I needed (with my own damn money non the less) so I took it and was caught. The charges were all dropped eventually but I couldn't believe what happened, honestly it was the start of pulling away from him.

Currently my situation is thus, I got back GST for the last 6 years on the 10th, it was nice to see that my account wasn't horrible and I had some money to play with. I started to make some plans, buy R an iPad as he had been wanting one, upgrade the memory in my laptop, buy a pair of shoes and some new clothing for work etc. R also had the good idea of using it to buy a new used car for ourselves as one of our Vehicles is pretty much done. I wasn't 100% invested in the car idea knowing all the money would be gone but I wanted too think it through as I wasn't against it either.

Cue the previously mentioned ankle break, because of the severity of my break and being in a cast for 8 weeks, and having the leg pinned and screwed meant not walking on it which meant Physiotherapy. Now originally I figured Physio wasn't going to be a huge deal, benefits from work would cover it and everything would be fine……….ha nope. Turns out work cut physio from our benefits so its not covered at all, and man is it expensive as hell. We're talking $55 per visit of which they want me to visit 2 times a week…..wha! 

Needless to say I just fell at work (long story not my fault and it really hurt) and called R to tell him about it and when I brought up the fact I will be hopefully starting hospital physio soon I didn't want to pay for a bunch of appointments, he disagreed and stated I needed to keep going until I transferred to the hospital. I know he means well and his recommendation is based on the fact he stopped going to physiotherapy after wrecking his knee and regrets it, I just can't help but get a horrible feeling inside when I realize the amount of money I am paying for it and that my GST is basically gone. I know that he understands why the fact the money is gone is upsetting to me but at the same time I am starting to get the same feeling that any money that was "mine" is gone again, how am I supposed to swim out of debt if my money keeps fucking disappearing! 

It just ends up feeling like I am constantly drowning in a sea and I cannot get my head above water to get a break. R told me to talk to the councilor about my feelings and I am sure I will, I just feel like saying the same thing over and over is not going to fix the issue I just have to see it more often…..

I feel like I am probably just talking in circles and am not actually dealing with the issues, I need to make and appointment at the bank and sit down and talk all of this over with them, but what if there is no help for me, what if I am doomed to fail and never get myself out of debt.

I don't want to owe everyone in my life money for the rest of my life! I cannot handle that!

bah!

Alright I think I am at the end of this post as I find my thoughts returning to the same things I have already said, generally a good indicator to stop talking :)

Hopefully I will get a new mood in the next little while and will be able to post something happy or at least more light hearted!

Nickle

Getting some history

Hi again,

Life has been running me ragged in 2013, and I am going to probably make references to a bunch of things in here that will make no sense at all without a little background coverage, so queue introduction music "And lets get a little more information about NICKLE"

Me

- Okay so my proper name is Nicole, however being one of those names destined to be turned into nicknames I figured if I start talking in the 3rd person you know how I may refer to myself. When I first met Robert 6 years ago and we entered into our life together he and I were trying to figure out a name for me (technically a fetish scene name, he wanted something that was close to me and who I was that also equated value to his slave) I mentioned that as a child one of my many nick names was Half-a-Dime because I am short and Nickle was close to Nicole. Since then my general name for everyone has been Nickle (spelt incorrectly on purpose), it's how I introduce myself and how most people know me.

Guest Stars

- The people you will probably hear about the most in here are as follows; 

~ Robert also to be referred to as R/Rob, he and I have been together since June of 2007. It has been a relationship filled with ups and downs and twisty turns and other general relationship euphemisms, right now we are in a weird limbo that is actually working out really well for us. It's allowing me to take time to heal from my past and make our bond stronger as well as allow him to work on himself.

~ Pinky or my younger brother. He lives across the street from me with our parents (know as mum and dad), and while growing up we had major major issues we have grown extremely close in the last 5 years and he is someone I confide in regularly.

~ Suzy and Mike (who will probably be referred to as "the man" as that is how she refers to him and it sticks dammit!", also know as my best friend in the whole wide freaking universe :) she is also my teammate in Roller Derby (more on that later) and a freaking fantastic Scentsy/Velata consultant!

~ Rae and Ry Ry super awesome couple R has know for probably my whole life (more like 12-13 years for Rae, longer for Ry Ry), people who I invariably have grown close to and are also counted among my best friends!

~ The boys, these are my 3 Step-Sons in order are: Anthony (16), Connor (15), and Aiden (12), Anthony and Connor share a mum (Hi Lindsy), Anthony lives with us full time in Niagara Falls, Connor lives most of the time with his mum in Iowa. Aiden lives with his mum Jen in Port Colborne.

~ Cora aka my Derby Wife!

Roller Derby

In 2012 I joined the Niagara Roller Girls which is a Flat Track Roller Derby league! I have been drafted onto the Seaway Sirens with Suzy, Rae, and Cora ( our 4 teams are; Maids of the Fist, Dahousie Destroyers, Vineyard Vixens, and Seaway Sirens). I like to think I was on my way to being an awesome Roller Derby player however on April 22nd I went and broke my ankle in 3 places :( Also April 22 is Pinky's birthday what a crappy day to break myself. 

I had surgery, got some nifty hardware installed in my leg and went through 4 casts before having my casts removed on June 5, I have recently started physiotherapy and am planned to have another procedure on the 19th of June to have the PIN holding my Tibia and Fibula together removed.

There will be a more in-depth post regarding the ankle and Roller Derby later but I figured this would start it out for you so everyone at least had a starting point.

Work

- Rather than start what will be a very long full of complaints post here I will just state that I am a Training Coordinator for a local Call Center that supports a client I am very happy to be involved with. I have major issue with some things at work but as I stated this will be a later post when I am not right in the thick of it.

Interests

- I figure the last of the sections here should be around the different things that interest me. My father was born in Northern Ireland, and to be honest although born here I feel like that is my home. A large chunk of my family is there and I do my very best to visit them as often as I can manage.

Due to the British upbringing I love most British television, I consume tea like it is a life force, and rainy days are my favorite.

I love to spend time in the kitchen baking, and I have a love hate relationship with my perler beads (love to make things with them, hate to sort them). 

Books………I cannot begin to articulate my love of books, new books, old books, the smell of books, the texture, I always always always have a book on me as you never know when you will have a moment to just sit there and read a good book.

There are I am sure a billion and 1 things I am forgetting to tell you about, and they will come across in subsequent posts (which I may choose to write today. I hope this gives you some insight into my life or at least gives you a chance to say "nope not going to want to stick around here".

I wouldn't say my life is an open book but expect that I might share some pretty intimate details in this blog so if you don't want to read about it I would suggest not sticking around to see what happens.

Nickle

“She remembered one of her boyfriends asking, offhandedly, how many books she read in a year. "A few hundred," she said.

"How do you have the time?" he asked, gobsmacked.

She narrowed her eyes and considered the array of potential answers in front of her. Because I don't spend hours flipping through cable complaining there's nothing on? Because my entire Sunday is not eaten up with pre-game, in-game, and post-game talking heads? Because I do not spend every night drinking overpriced beer and engaging in dick-swinging contests with the other financirati? Because when I am waiting in line, at the gym, on the train, eating lunch, I am not complaining about the wait/staring into space/admiring myself in reflective surfaces? I am reading!

"I don't know," she said, shrugging.” 

Bianca, The Weird Sisters by Eleanor B

Starting fresh and new

Hey Everyone,

I have been toying back and forth with creating and updating a new blog for myself for a while now. Somewhere I can vent my full frustrations and be completely candid with my comments and pretty much share way way way to much of my life.

This is how the new blog has started. There is nothing wrong with my old blog "Hi Old Blog or OB as I will refer to you now", I just feel like in it's original setup I haven't been posting as much because I haven't felt comfortable sharing everything that has been running through my brain inside of it. 

I know that if I went back and read some of my entries that I would seem silly considering some of the things I have shared in the OB but honestly it was set up in a time of my life where somethings were the norm that are no longer the norm, as well it was supposed to assist me in recording my daily thoughts regarding my submissive nature/relationship and as you can tell it is lacking in this quite a bit.

As I seem to have 2 very distinct personalities when it comes to myself I figured allowing both sides a chance to speak is the best way to ensure I am posting semi-regulairly. 

Therefore going forward my OB will continue to be a place that my submissive/little can go to post updates about my thoughts on the role, feelings regarding my relationship with R, and general little/alternative things.

My new blog will be a place where I can go in and talk about anything and everything in my life, basically a catch all for the everyday goings on, thoughts on my family and friends, as well as just a general update location for anyone who is crazy enough to want to know about me :) 

I know the whole setup seems confusing and there is a very distinct possibility one of these guys may not be updated with the frequency as I hope, but I am going to give it a try!

To everyone who made it this far I am always open to feedback as well as general comments regarding my insanity, hope to hear from you at some point.

Nicole aka Nickle

"I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then." - Alice to the Caterpillar, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland