Hey All,
So the next post was supposed to be more of an uplifting recap on some of the positive things in my life but unfortunately recent events (by recent I mean within the last 10 min) have caused my mood to plummet so I have this blog to vent/talk about my feelings and that is what I am going to do.
Quick back history, prior to my relationship with R I was in a 2 year long relationship with an AssHat who basically picked up a book on how to abuse your girlfriend and followed it to a T.
After breaking up with him I should have taken the time to deal with everything I went through, I should have gone right into counseling and potentially jumped onto some sort of medication, hell I should have at least talked about what was happening with someone but I didn't. I met R, we became friends, then fell in love, and I don't regret any of it.
Are there times where I think things between R and I could have been easier if I have followed through on all of those shoulds? Yep! Would I be more secure emotionally and physically which would probably cause less issues in my life? Yep! But I cannot go back in time to change what I did or didn't do, it's not possible yet as I haven't met my Doctor :)
About 3 months ago I had a major breakdown, it was bad, I scared a lot of people which I am sorry happened as it was not what I intended to do. The result of this is that I went to my Dr. and have been prescribed medication to assist myself with balancing my brain, and I started to go to counseling to talk about what happened and to begin the process of fixing myself.
One of the major areas that I have issues with is money, prior to my relationship with AssHat I was relatively good with managing my money, I wasn't great but there was money in the bank so to speak. That was how things started with him, he took away my money first to make it so I needed to ask to pay for bills or buy myself something to eat or wear etc. Since then I have become shit at making sure my bills are paid, and I am constantly in my Overdraft unable to afford pretty much anything. It actually got to the point I was charged with Shoplifting when I was with AssHat as he wouldn't pay for the toothpaste I needed (with my own damn money non the less) so I took it and was caught. The charges were all dropped eventually but I couldn't believe what happened, honestly it was the start of pulling away from him.
Currently my situation is thus, I got back GST for the last 6 years on the 10th, it was nice to see that my account wasn't horrible and I had some money to play with. I started to make some plans, buy R an iPad as he had been wanting one, upgrade the memory in my laptop, buy a pair of shoes and some new clothing for work etc. R also had the good idea of using it to buy a new used car for ourselves as one of our Vehicles is pretty much done. I wasn't 100% invested in the car idea knowing all the money would be gone but I wanted too think it through as I wasn't against it either.
Cue the previously mentioned ankle break, because of the severity of my break and being in a cast for 8 weeks, and having the leg pinned and screwed meant not walking on it which meant Physiotherapy. Now originally I figured Physio wasn't going to be a huge deal, benefits from work would cover it and everything would be fine……….ha nope. Turns out work cut physio from our benefits so its not covered at all, and man is it expensive as hell. We're talking $55 per visit of which they want me to visit 2 times a week…..wha!
Needless to say I just fell at work (long story not my fault and it really hurt) and called R to tell him about it and when I brought up the fact I will be hopefully starting hospital physio soon I didn't want to pay for a bunch of appointments, he disagreed and stated I needed to keep going until I transferred to the hospital. I know he means well and his recommendation is based on the fact he stopped going to physiotherapy after wrecking his knee and regrets it, I just can't help but get a horrible feeling inside when I realize the amount of money I am paying for it and that my GST is basically gone. I know that he understands why the fact the money is gone is upsetting to me but at the same time I am starting to get the same feeling that any money that was "mine" is gone again, how am I supposed to swim out of debt if my money keeps fucking disappearing!
It just ends up feeling like I am constantly drowning in a sea and I cannot get my head above water to get a break. R told me to talk to the councilor about my feelings and I am sure I will, I just feel like saying the same thing over and over is not going to fix the issue I just have to see it more often…..
I feel like I am probably just talking in circles and am not actually dealing with the issues, I need to make and appointment at the bank and sit down and talk all of this over with them, but what if there is no help for me, what if I am doomed to fail and never get myself out of debt.
I don't want to owe everyone in my life money for the rest of my life! I cannot handle that!
bah!
Alright I think I am at the end of this post as I find my thoughts returning to the same things I have already said, generally a good indicator to stop talking :)
Hopefully I will get a new mood in the next little while and will be able to post something happy or at least more light hearted!
Nickle
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