Stick....bah

So,

One of the things that needed to be done was to update our vehicles. I know this may seem odd considering I just lost my occupation and am still recovering from a broken ankle so the lack of movement was going to be an issue with finding full time gainful employment. The reason behind this is the van basically has died 3-4 times now while we were out and about, it took gentle coaxing and promises of finding something else so she could finally rest to just get her to hobble home each time this happened.

The trucks issues are all body work, I miss her. She was my baby, even though in reality she belonged to R I found a connection with her, we shared in some good times and we comforted each other through some bad times as well, but she needs to be properly taken care of and just being a day to day drive was not what she was destined for.

We replaced the Van with one of R's favorite cars, an Impala. It reminds me of the car he had when we were first together. Honestly I am already in love with the Impala probably because of these memories of when R and I were first dating, navigating that weird but amazing maze of learning about each other and if we meshed. I sit in the Impala and I remember our first kiss, in his Caprice he took me for lunch (a happy meal, seriously it's like he knew the real me from the get go) and then when he brought me back to work he leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips.

Ahhh, okay mushy feelings aside I really do like that car, another main reason is if I am not driving the car or actively engaged in something (i.e reading a book is most likely, or watching the amazing world we live in fly by the windows) I tend to want to nap in the car. The truck and van just did not support this move, it was all bucket seats and center consoles or sitting in the back of the van with the stinky kids.

Not anymore! The Impala has the bench seating in the front that has a folding center console so when I want to nap while were driving home from something I just lean over onto Rob's lap and allow myself to sleep.

Pretty much an amazing investment for R and it allowed him to get a car that seats everyone and it's something he likes to drive, which the van was not :(

 Then there was me and my transportation, I knew I wanted a smaller car. It needed to have seats for 5 but be able to hold 4 comfortably. I would kill for an old school mini but alas that was not to be had :)

My second car of choice is a Volkswagen Golf TDI, I love love love Volkswagen cars. I love the simplicity while incorporating high end details. There was a dealer close by me that had a VW Golf in dark blue, automatic engine, gas.

I fell in love with that car, if I had the cash I would have bought it first glance. It had it all!! Sunroof, power windows, heated seats, upgraded stereo, Air Conditioning (not really a big factor as I have never had it while driving, plus you have a sunroof why would you need air?

Either way, the dealer was willing to lease to me $2000 down, 356 per month, had to buy an extended warranty. It all worked out fine and I could afford it!! Woot Woot, so I took it to my mechanic and he looked it over.

There were about 6 problems that he was concerned with, but told me to bring it to the dealer explain what he had found and ask them to fix them all. During this time, R had decided he wanted to make sure I got fair market value and went hunting on Kijiji and Auto Trader to make sure this guys price was good and that we were not walking into a death trap or missing out on a better opportunity.

The Dealer agreed to my terms and said he would cal and let me know about the repairs from him mechanic. Meanwhile R had called a guy in Niagara On the Lake and arranged for us to test drive his car, his manual transmission car, a car we were looking at purchasing for me, someone who has never drove stick in her life.....

Drove the car, well R drove the car. We tested everything, even I got behind the wheel and stalled it while moving forward 13". I really fell in love with this one, probably because for a car that was a year older than the one before, that had never been in an accident (the other one had), and came in better condition, with winter tires was only my deposit.........yes I paid less than I would have going to the dealer and starting my contract with them would have cost me.

Oh and the kicker, while they were taking the original golf to the mechanic to be looked at it broke down and they had to tow it.....yeah made the right decision.

So thus begins my foray into learning to drive stick, I am slowly grasping the concepts and hill starts still elude me when I am on an actual hill (can do it fine flat) but its a process that will only get better with experience.

Time to stop letting my fears of failure and less worth get in the way of my development and growth!

Yeah! Air punches and signing off!

Nickle

Awake.....

*WARNING, REFERENCES TO BEING SICK TO FOLLOW*

It has not been the greatest of nights for sleeping, and for me I don't know why that is.

R has been up all night with this wicked cold he has, it's a massive amount of chest congestion and mucus to the point the poor guy has thrown up a few times :( I think that knock on wood I am just finishing my trip down that cold and should be on the right track again.

So I finally caved into my mind/body at 5:00am this morning and got up rather than lying in bed trying to sleep, made some tea and ate a granola bar and began to tackle what has been running through my brains today.

Normally when I can't sleep (and by normally I mean prior to living with someone and sharing a bed with them) it is the perfect time to clean my bedroom. When I was younger that was when my room would look the way my parents always hoped, because in these moods or whatever you want to call them I am the most motivated to let things go so any massive piles I have been hording disappear.

The best time I had with these situations was when we were living in Port Dalhousie and I had the basement apartment to myself (it could have been an apartment but it didn't have a separate entrance) It worked out awesome because as I was cleaning I could throw loads of laundry into the washer/dryer and then I really got everything done :)


I can't do that here, well let me rephrase I can do that here but R just got to sleep like an hour ago so I am not about to go into the bedroom switch on a light and start making a bunch of noise. I know how that cold feels and he needs all the rest he can get.

Spoke to a friend of mine through Derby, she thinks she may have a job for me (woot!) but we're not sure when the positing will come up (bah waiting)

I should get my severance pay from the ex-employers Monday, I cannot believe I am about to type this but I think I may buy a car with some of the money. Now hear me out (which is what I keep telling myself when this idea scares me) yes because I currently do not have employment should I be saving all of this money...yes but in order to work for most companies you need a reliable car, the truck just doesn't fit that statement all the time anymore.

It would be a lease with a high interest rate but I need the car and one that I have wanted for a long time has come up, I just need to figure out how much I will be putting down and then go from there. I think that as long as we stick to a budget there should be no issue with covering the car payments especially with my insurance going down with this car anyways.

Anyhow I think I might try and Wii Yoga a bit this morning and try and stretch out my ankle, it is killing me mondo bad today and I don;t know why :(

I am sure I will talk to you guys later, seems like my brain wants ti get stuff out today.

Nickle

Thoughts and Pain and Rambling

Woke up this morning coughing another lung out, really getting sick of your shit summer cold.

As I lay there trying to will myself into making the inevitable decision to either go back to sleep or to get up and start moving my ankle made the decision for me by starting to ache the worst I have felt it since the break. It could be argued that there have been instances of worse pain however this is the pain you get when you sleep pinching a nerve and then when you wake up, your body can just tell you this is going to hurt for a while and it's not going away easy.

Sitting on the back deck, hanging out with the garden's, thinking about the things I need to get done today. One thing I am looking forward to is seeing Cora, my very lovely Derby Wife at Starbucks. Cora will be working but it doesn't matter I am just happy to be seeing her.

We need to start sorting things in the house so that we are ready for the yard sale next weekend, I already have a few boxes ready but I lost my stride somehow and now I need to get it back to finish.

I think my dad and mum are concerned that I am going to get all depressed about losing my job, dad keeps asking me if I have contacted any people I made relationships with so that if they have a job open they can think of me, which for the record I have already done.

We have our next game tomorrow, I am super excited as Cora is going to be skating in this game!! I am a bit concerned how were getting everything to the arena with the Van no longer being used (bought a impala as the Van was pretty much dead, it seats 6 so only 1 less than the Van and the boot is much much bigger.

I cannot believe I am about to say this but I might straighten my hair today, I am not 100% but I am thinking about it. Probably because I am going to a goodbye party for a friend from work and I want to look amazing when I see them, but will probably not follow through on that and I will show up looking like me, which is fine anyways!!

 I've been thinking more and more about belief's and what people believe in, I've always felt like I don't know where I sit in that situation. Honestly there are time where it really frustrates me that I don't know where I sit in that system. I know that I believe that there is another force working with us, whether that is "God", or "Gods", or something completely different I have no clue. Sometimes I think I may be closer to the nature side of it all, makes me want to explore past family ties I have to my Irish family, see what lies back there and if that's where I get some feelings from. I'm not looking for something to immediately tell me what my believes are...like the sorting hat. I understand I cannot just put a magic hat on and have it yell "Protestant (believes in God), or "Norse God's", or "Pagan" it's not going to happen and I don't think that would be the correct way to discover something so important and close to people as their belief system.

Bah, I have a bunch more to say but I can't seem to string it together properly. Might need to write up a new entry for these new swirling thoughts.

Nickle

Job Hunting and randoms

I woke up this morning coughing up another lung, this damn congestion is killing me.

It's R's birthday today!!! He really really hates his birthday so it has been my plan for the last 6 years to try and make them good and happy for him. We went to MJ's on Monday and had an awesome lunch, and tonight we're playing cards with our friends as is the norm but I am going to bake a gluten free brownie mix for Rob in the hopes it tastes as good as a normal brownie mix does :)

I've been trying to figure out a plan for jobs, I have to update my resume (which I suck balls at) and I have to figure out what I want to do.....Oh god, is it bad that I am 25 and have no idea what my dream job would be. Crap...not having a panic attack or anything but it does seem relatively concerning.

Bah okay going to not think about that for a couple of hours in the hopes I can think straight again.

I had planned on cleaning out the house and packing things for the yard sale we're taking part in on the 13th but this back to back rain has been a killer for motivating me to get started. I had all these grand plans that since I became redundant at work I would show that I am not redundant at home.....yup this is where I have ended up.

I have grown ridiculously attached to our back deck, R has spent so much time back here getting things clean and tidy and moved around that it has become our little sanctuary, we come out here all the time whether we are playing cards on Thursdays or just sitting together drinking tea, on the plus side my sleep schedule seems to be working itself out now, I wonder if my body was so destroyed because I was always so stressed out at work.

Maybe that's the whole point of this situation, rather than stress about finding my career right this second, why not focus on the other things that need my attention, get my credit back on track, pay off my debts, get our butts on a budget for what I would be pulling in if I was working minimum wage. And then, once we're on track with the budget and we're surviving then start thinking about the rest of my life, and what I want to do.

Yeah, I think this is the right track to be on, if I approach this correctly and stick to a plan (a loose not stressed out plan) then we can get things back on track not an issue.

So to start I need to sign off and make a plan!!

Thanks for listening everyone, I really appreciate it.

Work......

So I haven't looked for a job in 6 years, 6 years I put my heart and soul into that place and now I have to start all over again with something new.

Don't get me wrong I never thought of that place as my dream job, it's not my dream job honestly. It has been so long that I dont even know what my dream job is... which is awkward in itself.

I have to gather up a bunch of stuff so that I can apply for EI, and make sure that I can get my body on the right track to healing and can get a job, even if I go back to slinging coffee at least it is better than nothing right.

bah, sour foul mood this afternoon

Nicole

And way to ruin my summer........

So,

When I first considered writing in a blog again I figured why not, I am supposed to be expressing my thoughts and trying to get the stuff that swirls and swirls in my brain out somewhere why not here?

You may think that the title of this post somehow corresponds to breaking my ankle, and while in someways you are correct. The ankle break has severly limited the things I am able to do however I am starting to walk sans crutches and it's going ok :)

Nope the title of this post extends to my former employers who decided on a whim (not really a whim I am sure but still I am pissed) that my position is redundant and that they would have to let me go. Yes I did get severence so I am ok for now but seriously!!

Anyway the whole point of this post today is that I am trying to decide if I will be petty to request all of the hanging file folders I PAID FOR, and other stationary that I PAID FOR back.

R suggested I talk to the labour board and EI on Tuesday to see if it was worth it or if it would be petty to request it, I am not sure how I feel exactly about not requesting the stationary, I mean on the one hand I can see not burning the bridge (why I would want to go back to where I am redundant seems....weird) but at the same time it is the principle of the thing, if you're going to pack up my shit then pack up everything...right.

Either way I just needed to get this out of my system since I was pissed and thinking about it.

I'm sure that there will be plenty more entries in here since my redundancy has caused a lot of down time.....

Nickle

Random thoughts and frustrations

Hey All,

So the next post was supposed to be more of an uplifting recap on some of the positive things in my life but unfortunately recent events (by recent I mean within the last 10 min) have caused my mood to plummet so I have this blog to vent/talk about my feelings and that is what I am going to do.

Quick back history, prior to my relationship with R I was in a 2 year long relationship with an AssHat who basically picked up a book on how to abuse your girlfriend and followed it to a T. 

After breaking up with him I should have taken the time to deal with everything I went through, I should have gone right into counseling and potentially jumped onto some sort of medication, hell I should have at least talked about what was happening with someone but I didn't. I met R, we became friends, then fell in love, and I don't regret any of it.

Are there times where I think things between R and I could have been easier if I have followed through on all of those shoulds? Yep! Would I be more secure emotionally and physically which would probably cause less issues in my life? Yep! But I cannot go back in time to change what I did or didn't do, it's not possible yet as I haven't met my Doctor :)

About 3 months ago I had a major breakdown, it was bad, I scared a lot of people which I am sorry happened as it was not what I intended to do. The result of this is that I went to my Dr. and have been prescribed medication to assist myself with balancing my brain, and I started to go to counseling  to talk about what happened and to begin the process of fixing myself.

One of the major areas that I have issues with is money, prior to my relationship with AssHat I was relatively good with managing my money, I wasn't great but there was money in the bank so to speak. That was how things started with him, he took away my money first to make it so I needed to ask to pay for bills or buy myself something to eat or wear etc. Since then I have become shit at making sure my bills are paid, and I am constantly in my Overdraft unable to afford pretty much anything. It actually got to the point I was charged with Shoplifting when I was with AssHat as he wouldn't pay for the toothpaste I needed (with my own damn money non the less) so I took it and was caught. The charges were all dropped eventually but I couldn't believe what happened, honestly it was the start of pulling away from him.

Currently my situation is thus, I got back GST for the last 6 years on the 10th, it was nice to see that my account wasn't horrible and I had some money to play with. I started to make some plans, buy R an iPad as he had been wanting one, upgrade the memory in my laptop, buy a pair of shoes and some new clothing for work etc. R also had the good idea of using it to buy a new used car for ourselves as one of our Vehicles is pretty much done. I wasn't 100% invested in the car idea knowing all the money would be gone but I wanted too think it through as I wasn't against it either.

Cue the previously mentioned ankle break, because of the severity of my break and being in a cast for 8 weeks, and having the leg pinned and screwed meant not walking on it which meant Physiotherapy. Now originally I figured Physio wasn't going to be a huge deal, benefits from work would cover it and everything would be fine……….ha nope. Turns out work cut physio from our benefits so its not covered at all, and man is it expensive as hell. We're talking $55 per visit of which they want me to visit 2 times a week…..wha! 

Needless to say I just fell at work (long story not my fault and it really hurt) and called R to tell him about it and when I brought up the fact I will be hopefully starting hospital physio soon I didn't want to pay for a bunch of appointments, he disagreed and stated I needed to keep going until I transferred to the hospital. I know he means well and his recommendation is based on the fact he stopped going to physiotherapy after wrecking his knee and regrets it, I just can't help but get a horrible feeling inside when I realize the amount of money I am paying for it and that my GST is basically gone. I know that he understands why the fact the money is gone is upsetting to me but at the same time I am starting to get the same feeling that any money that was "mine" is gone again, how am I supposed to swim out of debt if my money keeps fucking disappearing! 

It just ends up feeling like I am constantly drowning in a sea and I cannot get my head above water to get a break. R told me to talk to the councilor about my feelings and I am sure I will, I just feel like saying the same thing over and over is not going to fix the issue I just have to see it more often…..

I feel like I am probably just talking in circles and am not actually dealing with the issues, I need to make and appointment at the bank and sit down and talk all of this over with them, but what if there is no help for me, what if I am doomed to fail and never get myself out of debt.

I don't want to owe everyone in my life money for the rest of my life! I cannot handle that!

bah!

Alright I think I am at the end of this post as I find my thoughts returning to the same things I have already said, generally a good indicator to stop talking :)

Hopefully I will get a new mood in the next little while and will be able to post something happy or at least more light hearted!

Nickle

Getting some history

Hi again,

Life has been running me ragged in 2013, and I am going to probably make references to a bunch of things in here that will make no sense at all without a little background coverage, so queue introduction music "And lets get a little more information about NICKLE"

Me

- Okay so my proper name is Nicole, however being one of those names destined to be turned into nicknames I figured if I start talking in the 3rd person you know how I may refer to myself. When I first met Robert 6 years ago and we entered into our life together he and I were trying to figure out a name for me (technically a fetish scene name, he wanted something that was close to me and who I was that also equated value to his slave) I mentioned that as a child one of my many nick names was Half-a-Dime because I am short and Nickle was close to Nicole. Since then my general name for everyone has been Nickle (spelt incorrectly on purpose), it's how I introduce myself and how most people know me.

Guest Stars

- The people you will probably hear about the most in here are as follows; 

~ Robert also to be referred to as R/Rob, he and I have been together since June of 2007. It has been a relationship filled with ups and downs and twisty turns and other general relationship euphemisms, right now we are in a weird limbo that is actually working out really well for us. It's allowing me to take time to heal from my past and make our bond stronger as well as allow him to work on himself.

~ Pinky or my younger brother. He lives across the street from me with our parents (know as mum and dad), and while growing up we had major major issues we have grown extremely close in the last 5 years and he is someone I confide in regularly.

~ Suzy and Mike (who will probably be referred to as "the man" as that is how she refers to him and it sticks dammit!", also know as my best friend in the whole wide freaking universe :) she is also my teammate in Roller Derby (more on that later) and a freaking fantastic Scentsy/Velata consultant!

~ Rae and Ry Ry super awesome couple R has know for probably my whole life (more like 12-13 years for Rae, longer for Ry Ry), people who I invariably have grown close to and are also counted among my best friends!

~ The boys, these are my 3 Step-Sons in order are: Anthony (16), Connor (15), and Aiden (12), Anthony and Connor share a mum (Hi Lindsy), Anthony lives with us full time in Niagara Falls, Connor lives most of the time with his mum in Iowa. Aiden lives with his mum Jen in Port Colborne.

~ Cora aka my Derby Wife!

Roller Derby

In 2012 I joined the Niagara Roller Girls which is a Flat Track Roller Derby league! I have been drafted onto the Seaway Sirens with Suzy, Rae, and Cora ( our 4 teams are; Maids of the Fist, Dahousie Destroyers, Vineyard Vixens, and Seaway Sirens). I like to think I was on my way to being an awesome Roller Derby player however on April 22nd I went and broke my ankle in 3 places :( Also April 22 is Pinky's birthday what a crappy day to break myself. 

I had surgery, got some nifty hardware installed in my leg and went through 4 casts before having my casts removed on June 5, I have recently started physiotherapy and am planned to have another procedure on the 19th of June to have the PIN holding my Tibia and Fibula together removed.

There will be a more in-depth post regarding the ankle and Roller Derby later but I figured this would start it out for you so everyone at least had a starting point.

Work

- Rather than start what will be a very long full of complaints post here I will just state that I am a Training Coordinator for a local Call Center that supports a client I am very happy to be involved with. I have major issue with some things at work but as I stated this will be a later post when I am not right in the thick of it.

Interests

- I figure the last of the sections here should be around the different things that interest me. My father was born in Northern Ireland, and to be honest although born here I feel like that is my home. A large chunk of my family is there and I do my very best to visit them as often as I can manage.

Due to the British upbringing I love most British television, I consume tea like it is a life force, and rainy days are my favorite.

I love to spend time in the kitchen baking, and I have a love hate relationship with my perler beads (love to make things with them, hate to sort them). 

Books………I cannot begin to articulate my love of books, new books, old books, the smell of books, the texture, I always always always have a book on me as you never know when you will have a moment to just sit there and read a good book.

There are I am sure a billion and 1 things I am forgetting to tell you about, and they will come across in subsequent posts (which I may choose to write today. I hope this gives you some insight into my life or at least gives you a chance to say "nope not going to want to stick around here".

I wouldn't say my life is an open book but expect that I might share some pretty intimate details in this blog so if you don't want to read about it I would suggest not sticking around to see what happens.

Nickle

“She remembered one of her boyfriends asking, offhandedly, how many books she read in a year. "A few hundred," she said.

"How do you have the time?" he asked, gobsmacked.

She narrowed her eyes and considered the array of potential answers in front of her. Because I don't spend hours flipping through cable complaining there's nothing on? Because my entire Sunday is not eaten up with pre-game, in-game, and post-game talking heads? Because I do not spend every night drinking overpriced beer and engaging in dick-swinging contests with the other financirati? Because when I am waiting in line, at the gym, on the train, eating lunch, I am not complaining about the wait/staring into space/admiring myself in reflective surfaces? I am reading!

"I don't know," she said, shrugging.” 

Bianca, The Weird Sisters by Eleanor B

Starting fresh and new

Hey Everyone,

I have been toying back and forth with creating and updating a new blog for myself for a while now. Somewhere I can vent my full frustrations and be completely candid with my comments and pretty much share way way way to much of my life.

This is how the new blog has started. There is nothing wrong with my old blog "Hi Old Blog or OB as I will refer to you now", I just feel like in it's original setup I haven't been posting as much because I haven't felt comfortable sharing everything that has been running through my brain inside of it. 

I know that if I went back and read some of my entries that I would seem silly considering some of the things I have shared in the OB but honestly it was set up in a time of my life where somethings were the norm that are no longer the norm, as well it was supposed to assist me in recording my daily thoughts regarding my submissive nature/relationship and as you can tell it is lacking in this quite a bit.

As I seem to have 2 very distinct personalities when it comes to myself I figured allowing both sides a chance to speak is the best way to ensure I am posting semi-regulairly. 

Therefore going forward my OB will continue to be a place that my submissive/little can go to post updates about my thoughts on the role, feelings regarding my relationship with R, and general little/alternative things.

My new blog will be a place where I can go in and talk about anything and everything in my life, basically a catch all for the everyday goings on, thoughts on my family and friends, as well as just a general update location for anyone who is crazy enough to want to know about me :) 

I know the whole setup seems confusing and there is a very distinct possibility one of these guys may not be updated with the frequency as I hope, but I am going to give it a try!

To everyone who made it this far I am always open to feedback as well as general comments regarding my insanity, hope to hear from you at some point.

Nicole aka Nickle

"I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then." - Alice to the Caterpillar, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland